That they might feel their way

Come now, you who say "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever know the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
James 4

Lately I've been sighing an awful lot. I've been feeling trapped, in a way. Not in a very dramatic way- kind of a soft trap. Like I'm pinned under a bunch of pillows.

Alright, coming back to the point. 

I've felt trapped in the area of making decisions. I am a people pleaser at heart. I want to prioritize pleasing God, not man, but I often fall into the pit of pleasing man. I overthink and then regret, and I am sometimes fearful to make even small decisions because the consequence of receiving someone's negative opinion seems to big a risk. So, sometimes, I simply don't make decisions. I sort of do, but really I decide 'no' and just stay put. It's the fear that any movement will cause some sort of avalanche.

Before I did it with dating, and now I am tempted to do it in job searching. 

I even do it with the ocean...any body of water, really. I sit on the side, thinking about how I won't like it, how it's scary. I convince myself the option isn't really an option, as my fears become the louder voice. But when I'm in it, I can do it. I swam in the ocean a couple weeks ago and, once I was in, I loved it. Sitting on the edge, though, I could barely bring myself to consider it. 

God is sooo good to draw me back to the truth that He delights in me regardless of my failures, my past (poor) decisions, and my struggle with decision making. Sometimes I even tend to overthink His opinion of me, thinking that I need to figure out the best choice of action before taking a step. But does He not ask for our faith?

"He will command His angels to guard you in all your ways"
Psalm 91

^That Psalm made its way into my very heart when a friend of mine was fighting suicide. I found so much peace in praying through that chapter, and in reading the very faith of the Psalmist. Yet today, with very small decisions, my faith is weak. Thank goodness its all about what my faith is in and not how strong my faith is. He is strong. And He is still commanding angels. 

While reading this week, I found out that obedience comes from a Latin root word meaning 'to listen'. I love that. Even in obeying God, my call is to listen to His voice, not to figure things out on my own and hope I'm not doing the 'wrong' thing. 

He wants my listening ear as much as He wants to hear my voice, calling out with all my questions. He wants to see me take a step and then redirect me when needed, or hold out a hand to guide. 

To end this random commentary on the past few days, I'd love to share this passage which draws yet another one of our senses into the picture:

"And he made from one man every nation mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us."
Acts 17

Yes, I need to be listening. I need to speak to Him. But even when its dark, and I'm not sure if I can see the way, I can feel my way toward Him. And I can trust His ability to redirect me. He's not far from me. He has determined my dwelling place. 

Even Jonah, who ran in the opposite direction, was not beyond God's reach- He redirected him. But when we sit still, we just aren't going anywhere. (Obvious, right?) What I mean is: when I sit still, He can't exactly 'redirect' me. There's no direction in the first place.

So here's to feeling my way.  

"Jesus will meet you wherever you are, and he will help you. He is not intimidated by past failures, broken promises, or wounds. He will make sense out of your brokenness. But he can only begin to be the Lord of your life today- not next Monday or next month but now."
~Out of the Saltshaker

Assuming the best

Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?

In the book Crucial Conversations, I came across this lovely suggestion: when you are aggravated, hurt, saddened, etc. by someone else's words or actions, ask the above question. Why would they do ____, assuming reasonableness, rationality, and decency on their part?

We often jump to deep conclusions. She is just plain aggravating, he wants to hurt me, they purposefully left me out. 

As I try to consider my feelings more and more in response to certain situations, I find it harder and harder to believe the likely true thing about a person. I find myself believing the feeling, rather than what I should expect of that person's intentions. It's harder and harder to assume the best. 

The loveliest thing is, we can always assume the best of God. He is perfectly reasonable, rational, and decent. 

There is perfect relational freedom- or maybe trust, rather- in that.

I've been considering how many conflicts can be boiled down to wrong assumptions, wrong expectations, and decisions that we make based on misunderstandings.

In the Bible, we have a vast compilation of stories about, reflections on, and words from God himself that can help us trust him.

I don't want it to sound like I'm saying you can just read your way into trust. I think we need the Holy Spirit to fill us with rest in who He is and reveal Himself to us.  

Sometimes it's hard to trust Him- I'll admit in the name of transparency. (I think sometimes we think to be a Christian is to never doubt. No way, Hosea.) 

We are permitted doubt but we must not choose doubt as a philosophy of life. 

Sometimes the struggle to trust Him is very real. I can think back to a few times I really wrestled with God... and I have had a fairly easy life. 

But when I struggle to trust someone's intentions, I look almost subconsciously to other occasions when that person proved to be reasonable, rational, and decent, in order to assume the best of the present situation. 

Repeated offenses add complications, and we shouldn't trust some people. Of course we can't always assume the best of everyone. 

But we can of God. 

Sometimes our idea of God needs to change. Sometimes that takes starting from a place of assuming the best about him, and then seeing the implications.

For example, if he is good and loving, then sacrificing Jesus on the cross cannot be just one way to be saved out of many. If he is loving, and there are other ways, He would have taken the cup away when Jesus asked (Matt. 22). 

We may be wrestling to understand His ways, but we have an infinite number of testimonies to his faithfulness, and not one to unfaithfulness. And He won't change. He just won't.

Though I don't mean to say we will always understand Him in the same way. 

I hope I am humble to allow him to reshape my perspective.  Humble to offer that I do not always- if often- understand, submitting my confusion to the truth that  he is always good and I can always assume the best of him. 

My idea of God is not a divine idea...He shatters it himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of His presence.
C.S. Lewis 

Context Clues

Jesus is the treasure map.

I saw the above quote (without the strikethrough), on a church sign last week: Jesus is the treasure map. 

What does that evenmean? I don't think Jesus is leading me to treasure. I think he claims to be the treasure - my souls true longing.

In Created to Flourish, a book on Christian micro-enterprise development, I was recently challenged to consider giving to ministry with my talents, time, and treasure. 

Talents? Sure. That's not so hard. I like kids, I help with children's ministry. I like music, I help lead the worship tema. 

Time? Okay... A bit harder for me, but not so bad. Driving to Lancaster for an internship seems sometimes like a sacrifice of time, but He's given me such a beautiful ride each day. (Example below)

Treasure? Ouch. 

I just don't want to give in that way most days. Giving up my treasure would be, for me, giving up living close to home if the Lord asks me to leave. And I talk about it like I'd be willing, but often I'm just hoping it doesn't happen.

So I've been feeling pretty convicted lately. 

I've also been listening to John Piper sermons. Which usually leads to more conviction. He really hits the nail on the head when he talks about God satisfying all that is in us, and calling Christians to give up their treasures all for the sake of His glory- to seriously think about the cost and take up the cross to go share that Glory with those who never before heard the name 'Jesus'.

Listening to him talk about the life of Adoniyrum Judson just made me feel a bit ridiculous about the selfishness in my heart that keeps me close to home. That man lost two wives and many children to sickness in Burma (what is now Myanmar, borders Thailand). He risked losing the treasure of his family for greater treasure, the riches found in Christ.

The Cost of Discipleship says "When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die."

There's this great piece of encouragement that came my way yesterday, though. Someone urged me to think about 'context'. 

When I consider my story in the context of His story, it is a whole lot easier to take the changes, and the callings that come along the way. It is a whole lot easier to say 'yes'. It's a whole lot easier to trust.  

When I forget the context, I focus so much on my individual story and not on the eternality of His purposes. I fail to see all that He his working.

And His story is so good! It's in every story, really.

In Cinderella, it's the girl who isn't even entitled to an invitation to the ball but becomes the bride of the Prince and the daughter of the King. 

In Narnia, it's Aslan laying himself down knowing that the law prophesies his resurrection to the redemption of the traitor, Edmund. 

In Hogwarts, it's Harry sacrificing himself to kill Voldemort, so saving the world and coming back to life because of the protection his mother's love had put on him.

There's just nothing better than sacrificial love, which is what he is calling me to in the gentle prodding to give up my time, talent, and treasure. 

Search and see the huge, millennia long context of your story. 

Do you see Him? How do you see Him? Where do you see Him? 

He's trying to show you the riches of His plan, to help you treasure Him.