I blinked

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day...as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For things that are seen are passing but things that are unseen are eternal.
Corinthians

Here's an excerpt from one of my fist posts from the semester:

One of the orientation leaders said "when language stops working, you can't communicate, and then you can't project who you are, and you begin to lose your image". (attempted translation).

We were told quite a few times that we would start to feel a loss of identity. I must say it happened- sometimes I just felt like I couldn't be who I wanted to be because I couldn't say what I wanted to say. But, that in turn is making me into a better listener. 

I can't give any other examples at the moment, but I just wanted to make the point that I feel like my 'outer self' is wasting away. 

Maybe not what Paul was talking about- I'm guessing he really meant outer self in a physical self-but it was still encouraging to come across. My inner self, that is my identity in Christ, is being renewed day by day.

So we had our end of program celebration with this beautiful view of my favorite neighborhood in Granada. I can not wait to take my family through those white walled, narrow streets. 

We had little glass bottles of tomato soup with straws, and all sorts of other interesting Spanish foods. We talked about how our orientation prof was right- after just a few days we were suddenly upon the end. 

This week, though my best friend from here has gone home, has been so sweet. Lots of walks with my host family, beautiful weather that lets me study in parks, and this amazing FaceTime call with my real family. I am so blessed.


Now I get to think about coming home, but I can't help but think of all that I'm going back to.

With all the back and forth about transgender bathrooms and...wait but one in three girls will be sexually assaulted before the age of sixteen...and wait priests have molested children too...

Can we at least agree that we are depraved?

That we need someone to save us from this? Not from transgender bathrooms or conservatism...but from ourselves and the evil we produce by nature?

For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them. Matthew 13

He is faithful when we call upon Him because of Jesus's work. So I pray that as I come home, if I have any hard points of transitioning, I'll keep calling on Him to heal me. 

He has healed me in many ways during, and through, this time away. I won't go into that really, but I do want to say that He is good and he gives good things to His children. 

Today I took a hike on my own. I knew it'd be good to get out and away from the city with the festival that is going on right now. I meant to walk a little ways up I trail I've taken before, journal for a little, and come back down in time to maybe catch part of a parade. Well... I ended up walking up and up and up and finding more and more beautiful views like this one. And an old cistern from the XIII-XV century-ish. That was kinda neat, since I now know the general history of this place at that time. 
I just felt really full. 

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. 

I've been writing notes for my host family and it's really hard to say what you want to say- and that in Spanish. I am so blessed to have received so many notes and cards and full out letters over this semester. 

From my dad saying that part of him selfishly wished I'd stayed home (that put tears in my eyes- what a softy) to my friend Danielle decorating her sweet notes with colors and such, I have quite the stack to look back on sentimentally. 

If you didn't know, I'm really sentimental. I can look through old pictures for hours. That may have happened once or twice this semester...

And sometimes it's just cool because you get to look back and see where you've come from, how you've changed and grown.

'...you can't ask anybody not to change//it's everyone's right in this life to shift and rearrange//so I nodded my head and I completely agreed but I still wanted you to stay the same//so now I'm down on my knees singing//don't go changing on me'

(lyrics from a Hollan original)

Sometimes I wonder what will have changed about home. Some things I already know have changed- my nephew can say whole sentences like he did on FaceTime the other day when he said 'I wuv you'. I can live with that change!

By the Lord's strength I will live with, and even come to love, all the change that has occurred in me and others. Prayers for that transition are appreciated!

Finals

How do I pretend like next time I come everything will be exactly the same. It won't, this is final even if it's not. 
- My best friend, Anna

This quote seems aplicable to just about every change of life but, since she wrote it about time abroad, I found it particularly appropriate.

And it's not that I'm planning on having a next time in Granada per say. 

It's just interesting to think that any time in life is final even if 'it's not'. The Lord calls us to look on to the new things he is doing, to not dwell on the former things. (Isaiah 43)

So my time is coming to an end here. Next Friday (what!?) my parents and brother land in Spain and only a short time later I will be bound for America. 

But I must say these last weeks have been great. 

One of my professors told me he has a dragon tattoo on his back with wings down his arms and (in the cutest little Spanish accent) drawgeen bebies. I haven't laughed that much since my host mom tried to imitate English. 

After a final on Wednesday, it being the last time we'd see each other, another professor said 'cuidate mucho'. That means take care of yourself but it also has the feeling of 'be careful out there'. 

I just felt like it was a really sweet thing to say.

Speaking of finals, this has been quite the week. Never have I had to prepare for five exams at once. But it's also pretty fun, because there are awesome places to study here. A friend and I hiked up to an outlook of the city that is on a peninsula like part of the hill, so you could see all around-mountains, city, la Alhambra. And we got to watch the sun set up there too.

Also I had another type of 'final'. I had a concert with the community choir. Some of my friends in the choir (older people) were telling me I should stay in Spain, and that I could rotate between their houses every six months. And that if I don't like ham they'll give me lettuce. I don't know if that's a phrase or if they somehow knew I don't love the ham here. 

I didn't really realize that concert was goodbye. Afterward they were all coming up to me and asking if I loved the choir and telling me not to leave and giving me the double cheek kiss and... man, I'm going to miss that little community. They want to come to Pennseelvaneea to do an 'intercambio' and sing with my choir. 

It's pretty hard to be excited to see my real parents when my host parents are sad to see me go and point out that I'm ready to leave. Well, I am. 

I think one more week here, enjoying the city on my own, is just enough time. 

Also, one last thing. My host dad and my host uncle were explaining *to my* why *I* don't like fish. It's because you're not accustomed to it...it's because in your country there are more bison and buffalo and you don't really eat fish.

Hmm, yeah. So I guess when I get back I'll have to eat some bison. I guess I did have one bison burger once.. Okay back to studying. 

Also this has been my pump up studying song for anyone who needs it.
Light After Darkness, Kings Kaleidoscope

Look back!

Someday you will look back and know exactly why it happened. 
Tobymac #speaklife

Yeah, Tobymac- talk about a throwback. 

I had another, really sweet throwback this last week. We were busing back to Granada from the beautiful beaches of Cabo de Gata and the song 'This I know' by David Crowder came on my shuffle. I think I cried.

The first bus ride to Granada from the city we all landed in was BEAUTIFUL. I was overwhelmed by the countryside of Spain and I was listening to music. 'This I know' came one:

Take me up to where I was when I never wanted more than You.
Lift me up to feel Your touch. It wouldn't be that much for You, this I know. 

Not only was I surrounded by hills which completed the image of 'take me up' and 'lift me up' and already had me thinking on the Lord's creativity, but I was living in a place of 'I have nothing but You'. The previous day I landed in Andalusia, met my fellow study abroad-ers, didn't really connect with anyone, and- to complete the feeling of complete loneliness- my international phone plan wasn't working so I couldn't really update my parents. 

But that line: take me up to where I was when I never wanted more than You. Isn't that really what I wanted out of this? I got it that second day. The words of this song brought me such astounding peace as we passed on to my soon to be host city. I had all sorts of hopes and expectations welling up inside.

So when it came on shuffle last week, in a very similar situation (physically), I was  slightly overwhelmed to back over the times I really only had Him, and was satisfied. 

It's just really good to look back and see the times you've had to rest in God's faithfulness.

Recently I took a different kind of 'look back'- I saw how far I've come with Spanish. I was sitting around the lunch table the other day and I was like woah, I know what they're saying to each other. I didn't really expect that to happen-I thought I'd only really get it all if someone was speaking to me (slower, clear pronunciation). 

But the Lord reminded me that language is tiny, and love is not tiny. Even if I could speak in all the tongues of angels and men-if I don't have love I am nothing (1 Cor. 13). I have been loved here and had to love people I never would've spent time with otherwise.

Just to give you a little example of I started language wise: my host mom thinks I don't like milk at all. Early on I told her (tried to tell her) I don't drink milk, but she got out of whatever I said that I don't like milk and therefore always gives me cereal with yogurt. Which is great- I love yogurt. But sometimes I just want a bowl of cereal with milk. You know, at the time it just didn't seem  worth the energy required to explain that I do like milk I just don't like to drink it. And now I just don't feel like confusing her by putting milk on my cereal..

One of the first things I'll be doing when I get home is eating cereal with milk.

The other day, two of her brothers came to visit and they all invited me to go for the post-siesta coffee/snack with them. I thought, why not. That was pretty special, sitting around with a group of older people. I've missed that. 

Also, her one brother looked and behaved so similarly to my pa-paw it was kind of weird- but nice. Refreshing in a way, since I miss him. 

Sometimes it's just really nice to look back.

Change

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Sometimes I love a good King James version Bible verse or a good old hymn. My favorite hymn, Blessed Assurance, was lingering in my mind the other day. I'm eager to sing, be it hymns or contemporary worship songs, with brothers and sisters when I get home. The last three Sundays have involved day trips or even longer trips (like Morocco, Alhamd lilac), and have left me with a almost a whole month with no community fellowship. 

I've gotten to hang out with Christian friends, but I must say I really miss corporate singing. So last night in our choir rehearsal I started writing out the translation to the Latin Mass and sang it as worship. From the 'Credo' text of confirming what I believe to the Agnus Dei, repeating 'He who takes away the sins of the world, give us peace'. I felt new.

While walking the now familiar streets home I was thinking about the truth, 'the Lord gives, the Lord takes away'. And in my mind I switched the order, 'the Lord takes away, the Lord gives'. I believe He gives things and then takes them away, but I rest even more in thinking on the times he has taken away and then given- given me something better.

For example, my host family. I'm not saying they're better than my actual family (don't worry Mom). But it has been better, in His own way, to come into a new family for a time.

I thought I wasn't all about being independent because I never felt the need to get away from my parents or start my own life. I've realized here that actually I never feel the need to independecise (I know that's not a verb, but it is in Spanish...) because my parents have left me pretty free to do my own thing.

My host mom, a little less so. I couldn't tell you how many times I've heard 'Eat, eat'. And I say something like No, I'm okay. So she insists. So I explain that I am really full...Llenísima. So she asks if I want some more of whatever we have been eating, and I say no. So she tries to serve me some more and once in a while I actually stand up for my overfull belly and say No, really, no. So brings me some fruit.

In the end, it's a little thing. I'm thankful for her care and concern. It made me feel really secure when, at the beginning, I was quite terrified to so far from all that is familiar. But it may be nice to go back to my own family where I'm actually 20 years old, haha.

Age is another huge difference between Spain and America. Here, it's quite common for kids to live with their parents into their mid thirties or even longer. My host sister is 30, with her own career and her own part in her father's business, and there is no pressure for her to move out or get married. When I told my host mom that Jeremy moved out at 22 cause he felt like that was enough time to be living at home, she looked as though I said in America we eat our dogs (sorry that was just the first shocking thing that came to mind...). She said she hopes/expects Joaquin to live at home for five to ten more years.

Wow.
She and my host dad are really adorable, too. We were talking about my nephew and how I'm thinking about getting him a little soccer jersey from one of the soccer teams and I asked if Messi is the best. (context for those who don't know- Messi plays for Barcelona and Rinaldo for Madrid) My mom said yes, chuckled, looked at my dad, and confirmed her answer. 

Then she probed. 'He's the best, right?'. My host dad looked at me, her, chuckled...'Yeah...after Rinaldo'. They laugh and look at each other, and my heart melts a little.

On Monday my host mom and I walked to a neighboring town where they have one of their stores, something they've never done before. They gave me a wind chime to put on my porch 'so that you'll remember us'. As if there was any way that was't going to happen.
Okay, I know, I have a bad memory... but still.

So three weeks from tomorrow my own parents (and Jeremy!) land in this temporary home of mine. In fact, I just bought my bus ticket to go meet them at the airport. The thought brings me to tears, but so does the thought of saying goodbye to this second family the Lord has blessed me with. I think they embody this quote really well, or maybe what it is really saying is the better way: If you want to live a comfortable life, make sure you never love nobody, be selfish, and never sacrifice.

Also this hardly relates (well maybe to my last post) but since it's been on my mind today I thought I'd share it for anyone who is struggling with forgiveness. Don't we all?

Losing, Tenth Avenue North

the best teacher

When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. And he began to teach them many things.
Mark 6

I didn't want to post this link on Facebook but I found it helpful as someone living in the midst of many who often claim that 'sex is a social construct'. So I figured I'd share it here.

Transgenderism: A Pathogenic Meme
'In two states, a doctor who would look into the psychological history of a transgendered boy or girl in search of a resolvable conflict could lose his or her license to practice medicine. By contrast, such a physician would not be penalized if he or she started such a patient on hormones that would block puberty and might stunt growth'

I've been really struggling lately with the feeling that if I speak, those around me will start spouting assumptions not only about me but about my Lord. 

Well, I already hear them. Living in a place that was reconquered by Catholics after an Islamic rule means hearing about the intolerance of Christianity. Admitting that I am a Christian can lead to taking on a lot of assumptions. 

I had a whole post written out about this topic but I realized it was not coming from the right heart.

So, reading back through my journal I was caught by this: Love is patient. Love is kind.

That was written as I was been struggling with patience and kindness toward someone. It always gets me, even though it may be one of the passages I've heard most frequently over the course of my life thus far.

I was thinking the other day about how having a good teacher, more than anything, makes me want to work hard in whatever class. And then I was taken back suddenly, thinking about God as a teacher. He had compassion on the crowd and taught them. He takes compassion on me and teaches me.

So when I just want to burst from the intolerance I feel is directed toward me in the name of being tolerant of everything-really I almost went on a tangent there to rewrite the post I already decided not to write- I hear him saying 'patient....kind'.

His love is patient and kind. 

I love resting in the promise that 'the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord as the waters cover the sea'. Habakkuk

That's a whole lot of knowledge of His glory. 

Someday the earth will be full of knowledge of his glory...their assumptions will be broken and they'll bow to the King who is perfectly loving and patient. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Somewhere out there over that shiny horizon is the U.S. As I enter my last month I'm also praying for general perseverance, as the end is in sight. I had a wonderful break from the city with my friend Molly, exploring Fisterra and Santiago de Compostela in northern Spain. I even ran into a Penn Stater. It was a wonderful time of being reminded of the greatness of the Lord-from the vastness of the sea to the beauty of all the little flowers to all the people who helped us on our way.

We were blessed with many run-ins with people who pointed us to cool things to see, helped us find the bus, and wondered why we were in Santiago if we weren't doing the Camino de Santiago.

We got to see Guernica, beautifully clear tide pools, many pilgrims, the sunrise, the sunset...

All in all, it was a blessed time away and I am eager to take on this last month.