That they might feel their way

Come now, you who say "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever know the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
James 4

Lately I've been sighing an awful lot. I've been feeling trapped, in a way. Not in a very dramatic way- kind of a soft trap. Like I'm pinned under a bunch of pillows.

Alright, coming back to the point. 

I've felt trapped in the area of making decisions. I am a people pleaser at heart. I want to prioritize pleasing God, not man, but I often fall into the pit of pleasing man. I overthink and then regret, and I am sometimes fearful to make even small decisions because the consequence of receiving someone's negative opinion seems to big a risk. So, sometimes, I simply don't make decisions. I sort of do, but really I decide 'no' and just stay put. It's the fear that any movement will cause some sort of avalanche.

Before I did it with dating, and now I am tempted to do it in job searching. 

I even do it with the ocean...any body of water, really. I sit on the side, thinking about how I won't like it, how it's scary. I convince myself the option isn't really an option, as my fears become the louder voice. But when I'm in it, I can do it. I swam in the ocean a couple weeks ago and, once I was in, I loved it. Sitting on the edge, though, I could barely bring myself to consider it. 

God is sooo good to draw me back to the truth that He delights in me regardless of my failures, my past (poor) decisions, and my struggle with decision making. Sometimes I even tend to overthink His opinion of me, thinking that I need to figure out the best choice of action before taking a step. But does He not ask for our faith?

"He will command His angels to guard you in all your ways"
Psalm 91

^That Psalm made its way into my very heart when a friend of mine was fighting suicide. I found so much peace in praying through that chapter, and in reading the very faith of the Psalmist. Yet today, with very small decisions, my faith is weak. Thank goodness its all about what my faith is in and not how strong my faith is. He is strong. And He is still commanding angels. 

While reading this week, I found out that obedience comes from a Latin root word meaning 'to listen'. I love that. Even in obeying God, my call is to listen to His voice, not to figure things out on my own and hope I'm not doing the 'wrong' thing. 

He wants my listening ear as much as He wants to hear my voice, calling out with all my questions. He wants to see me take a step and then redirect me when needed, or hold out a hand to guide. 

To end this random commentary on the past few days, I'd love to share this passage which draws yet another one of our senses into the picture:

"And he made from one man every nation mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us."
Acts 17

Yes, I need to be listening. I need to speak to Him. But even when its dark, and I'm not sure if I can see the way, I can feel my way toward Him. And I can trust His ability to redirect me. He's not far from me. He has determined my dwelling place. 

Even Jonah, who ran in the opposite direction, was not beyond God's reach- He redirected him. But when we sit still, we just aren't going anywhere. (Obvious, right?) What I mean is: when I sit still, He can't exactly 'redirect' me. There's no direction in the first place.

So here's to feeling my way.  

"Jesus will meet you wherever you are, and he will help you. He is not intimidated by past failures, broken promises, or wounds. He will make sense out of your brokenness. But he can only begin to be the Lord of your life today- not next Monday or next month but now."
~Out of the Saltshaker

Assuming the best

Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?

In the book Crucial Conversations, I came across this lovely suggestion: when you are aggravated, hurt, saddened, etc. by someone else's words or actions, ask the above question. Why would they do ____, assuming reasonableness, rationality, and decency on their part?

We often jump to deep conclusions. She is just plain aggravating, he wants to hurt me, they purposefully left me out. 

As I try to consider my feelings more and more in response to certain situations, I find it harder and harder to believe the likely true thing about a person. I find myself believing the feeling, rather than what I should expect of that person's intentions. It's harder and harder to assume the best. 

The loveliest thing is, we can always assume the best of God. He is perfectly reasonable, rational, and decent. 

There is perfect relational freedom- or maybe trust, rather- in that.

I've been considering how many conflicts can be boiled down to wrong assumptions, wrong expectations, and decisions that we make based on misunderstandings.

In the Bible, we have a vast compilation of stories about, reflections on, and words from God himself that can help us trust him.

I don't want it to sound like I'm saying you can just read your way into trust. I think we need the Holy Spirit to fill us with rest in who He is and reveal Himself to us.  

Sometimes it's hard to trust Him- I'll admit in the name of transparency. (I think sometimes we think to be a Christian is to never doubt. No way, Hosea.) 

We are permitted doubt but we must not choose doubt as a philosophy of life. 

Sometimes the struggle to trust Him is very real. I can think back to a few times I really wrestled with God... and I have had a fairly easy life. 

But when I struggle to trust someone's intentions, I look almost subconsciously to other occasions when that person proved to be reasonable, rational, and decent, in order to assume the best of the present situation. 

Repeated offenses add complications, and we shouldn't trust some people. Of course we can't always assume the best of everyone. 

But we can of God. 

Sometimes our idea of God needs to change. Sometimes that takes starting from a place of assuming the best about him, and then seeing the implications.

For example, if he is good and loving, then sacrificing Jesus on the cross cannot be just one way to be saved out of many. If he is loving, and there are other ways, He would have taken the cup away when Jesus asked (Matt. 22). 

We may be wrestling to understand His ways, but we have an infinite number of testimonies to his faithfulness, and not one to unfaithfulness. And He won't change. He just won't.

Though I don't mean to say we will always understand Him in the same way. 

I hope I am humble to allow him to reshape my perspective.  Humble to offer that I do not always- if often- understand, submitting my confusion to the truth that  he is always good and I can always assume the best of him. 

My idea of God is not a divine idea...He shatters it himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of His presence.
C.S. Lewis 

Context Clues

Jesus is the treasure map.

I saw the above quote (without the strikethrough), on a church sign last week: Jesus is the treasure map. 

What does that evenmean? I don't think Jesus is leading me to treasure. I think he claims to be the treasure - my souls true longing.

In Created to Flourish, a book on Christian micro-enterprise development, I was recently challenged to consider giving to ministry with my talents, time, and treasure. 

Talents? Sure. That's not so hard. I like kids, I help with children's ministry. I like music, I help lead the worship tema. 

Time? Okay... A bit harder for me, but not so bad. Driving to Lancaster for an internship seems sometimes like a sacrifice of time, but He's given me such a beautiful ride each day. (Example below)

Treasure? Ouch. 

I just don't want to give in that way most days. Giving up my treasure would be, for me, giving up living close to home if the Lord asks me to leave. And I talk about it like I'd be willing, but often I'm just hoping it doesn't happen.

So I've been feeling pretty convicted lately. 

I've also been listening to John Piper sermons. Which usually leads to more conviction. He really hits the nail on the head when he talks about God satisfying all that is in us, and calling Christians to give up their treasures all for the sake of His glory- to seriously think about the cost and take up the cross to go share that Glory with those who never before heard the name 'Jesus'.

Listening to him talk about the life of Adoniyrum Judson just made me feel a bit ridiculous about the selfishness in my heart that keeps me close to home. That man lost two wives and many children to sickness in Burma (what is now Myanmar, borders Thailand). He risked losing the treasure of his family for greater treasure, the riches found in Christ.

The Cost of Discipleship says "When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die."

There's this great piece of encouragement that came my way yesterday, though. Someone urged me to think about 'context'. 

When I consider my story in the context of His story, it is a whole lot easier to take the changes, and the callings that come along the way. It is a whole lot easier to say 'yes'. It's a whole lot easier to trust.  

When I forget the context, I focus so much on my individual story and not on the eternality of His purposes. I fail to see all that He his working.

And His story is so good! It's in every story, really.

In Cinderella, it's the girl who isn't even entitled to an invitation to the ball but becomes the bride of the Prince and the daughter of the King. 

In Narnia, it's Aslan laying himself down knowing that the law prophesies his resurrection to the redemption of the traitor, Edmund. 

In Hogwarts, it's Harry sacrificing himself to kill Voldemort, so saving the world and coming back to life because of the protection his mother's love had put on him.

There's just nothing better than sacrificial love, which is what he is calling me to in the gentle prodding to give up my time, talent, and treasure. 

Search and see the huge, millennia long context of your story. 

Do you see Him? How do you see Him? Where do you see Him? 

He's trying to show you the riches of His plan, to help you treasure Him.

a HOPEful commencement

Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day and especially the night. ~ A Knight's Tale

This summer, I will be reviving this little old blog that I originally began in order to share my adventures of Spain.

I have been thinking on what to focus on in this first post as I am at the Leadership Summit for HOPE International, and mulling over quite a few things. 

Then there was a session that spoke right to me and may also mean something to you. 

We talked about busyness and how Jesus himself would withdraw to be alone and pray. It so amazes me, that in Luke 5 Jesus, with many people coming to him for healing, draws away to be with the Father. 

Even He delegated his work, entrusting the gospel ministry to the disciples. And He told them not to rejoice in the success they had in that work. He said, 'However do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.

What would Jesus, in Luke 10:20, say to me?


Do not rejoice that _______ , but rejoice that your names are written in heaven. 


I am very convicted over this. Even the work I do that may have a lasting impact should not provide the basis of my self worth nor my joy. 

It is my identity as one redeemed by Jesus that gives me joy. 

For me, that blank could be filled in with 'Do not rejoice that you helped a friend come away from suicide, but rejoice that your name is written in heaven'. 


What a hard lesson in humility!

And what a good thing to celebrate. Life? Surely I can be glad to know my friend is safe. I cannot say how thankful I am for the strong fights several of my friends have fought against depression. 

But being a help for them is not, ultimately, my value. In the same vein, having a friend who did commit suicide does not mean that I did not do enough or that I am somehow less. 

I rejoice that God has given me His son's life for mine. 

Jesus is a good shepherd. And the good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep (John 10). 

Nothing else will lay down its life for me. The things I store up to make my own name great, the things I have accomplished, any idols- they actually demand my life.

Only He can save me and establish a good purpose for me. Honestly, over the last few days I have been struggling again with thoughts that reflect the existential crises I used to frequently undergo.  

But what if my default position was looking to my King's goodness instead of my own.

(And there is nothing good in me apart from Him) 

During the morning session we talked about Psalm 118, which begins and ends with 'Give thanks to the Lord for He is good'. I wish that was the default beginning and end of my day. 

The President of HOPE, Peter Greer, encouraged us to start and end each day thinking on a verse. So this morning, instead of turning off my alarm and checking Facebook I opened my nifty little ESV app. I came to the verse [[ Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we might rejoice and be glad all our days ]].

I got to reflect on that (instead of 
on how many people liked my last blog post) while getting ready for the day. AND, it was in itself an encouragement to keep going, since it claims that in the steadfast love of our God alone are we satisfied- and in the morning! 

That chapter of Psalms goes on to plea 'establish the work of our hands upon us'. That has become my prayer today to the Lord, to establish the work He has for me to do.   

And He has given me really good gifts in these last few days! The fellow interns I have been meeting are so kind, the people here helped me work out housing so I do not need to commute this week that is full of all-day activities, and one of the interns will actually be studying in Granada next spring! 

The family of another intern is from Chile, and she brought Mate- a traditional South American that you share as you hang out and talk. So fun!

Today we had our first day in the office and I will be sharing a little cubicle (that is about to be covered in pictures and quotes...) with that intern whose family is from Chile. I have tentatively decided it will be a Spanish-only zone. 

Eager to see what the Lord has for us this summer!


 

What Makes Life Rich

These are the things that make life rich.

After receiving particularly hard news, I asked my pastor's wife if we could get together and talk, since my parents and best friend were out of town. I wasn't sure who else to talk to. 

She answered my long bemoaning with the above quote, and I could not be more thankful for these words.

I was, at first, shocked. I didn't understand and I didn't want to try to understand. I knew she couldn't simply be invalidating my pain but it didn't really seem like the sympathy or advice I was expecting.

Over time, though, and little by little, these words came to mean something. The truth has only grown in my mind with every hard thing: the Lord uses pain for good. He uses disappointment to turn us once more to him, and to test our faith in His goodness. 

So sometimes I just write down that sentence when I am feeling frustrated. These are the things that make life rich. 

But recently, I've again been confronted with the shocking nature of these words. God is blessing me with a hardship? 

Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? [Matthew 7:9]

Somehow, I've come to know that I will eventually see each 'stone' in that situation as a loaf of bread- a feast even. 

The transition back from living abroad has taken a different form than I expected. For starters, I didn't expect to struggle much in the process of entering back into former friendships. I never thought I would struggle to get back into the 'rhythm' of U.S. university.  I didn't know I would struggle in integrating back into my family. 

Spain offered a wealth of free time for spontaneous hikes, blogging, trying knew cafes. Even the long walks to class or choir provided up to an hour of just me and my thoughts. 

A lot of freedom.

While I've struggled with giving that up, I also marvel at the grace of God to use it to grow my desire to be alone and quiet before Him.

Recently, I was talking to a friend who talked of the grace of God as His hand at work.  He was saying that he has seen God's hand at work so much in the past couple years. 

Thinking of different experiences of grace as the work He is doing by His own hand...

He loved to reflect on the fact that grace was never singular in its effects. - Home by Marilynne Robinson

I am just starting an internship with HOPE International, and I think I will start blogging more regularly again. 

I am eager to see how He will use this (as anything) to make life rich, and I see His hand at work already in little blessings. I'll share more of those soon!

I blinked

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day...as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For things that are seen are passing but things that are unseen are eternal.
Corinthians

Here's an excerpt from one of my fist posts from the semester:

One of the orientation leaders said "when language stops working, you can't communicate, and then you can't project who you are, and you begin to lose your image". (attempted translation).

We were told quite a few times that we would start to feel a loss of identity. I must say it happened- sometimes I just felt like I couldn't be who I wanted to be because I couldn't say what I wanted to say. But, that in turn is making me into a better listener. 

I can't give any other examples at the moment, but I just wanted to make the point that I feel like my 'outer self' is wasting away. 

Maybe not what Paul was talking about- I'm guessing he really meant outer self in a physical self-but it was still encouraging to come across. My inner self, that is my identity in Christ, is being renewed day by day.

So we had our end of program celebration with this beautiful view of my favorite neighborhood in Granada. I can not wait to take my family through those white walled, narrow streets. 

We had little glass bottles of tomato soup with straws, and all sorts of other interesting Spanish foods. We talked about how our orientation prof was right- after just a few days we were suddenly upon the end. 

This week, though my best friend from here has gone home, has been so sweet. Lots of walks with my host family, beautiful weather that lets me study in parks, and this amazing FaceTime call with my real family. I am so blessed.


Now I get to think about coming home, but I can't help but think of all that I'm going back to.

With all the back and forth about transgender bathrooms and...wait but one in three girls will be sexually assaulted before the age of sixteen...and wait priests have molested children too...

Can we at least agree that we are depraved?

That we need someone to save us from this? Not from transgender bathrooms or conservatism...but from ourselves and the evil we produce by nature?

For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them. Matthew 13

He is faithful when we call upon Him because of Jesus's work. So I pray that as I come home, if I have any hard points of transitioning, I'll keep calling on Him to heal me. 

He has healed me in many ways during, and through, this time away. I won't go into that really, but I do want to say that He is good and he gives good things to His children. 

Today I took a hike on my own. I knew it'd be good to get out and away from the city with the festival that is going on right now. I meant to walk a little ways up I trail I've taken before, journal for a little, and come back down in time to maybe catch part of a parade. Well... I ended up walking up and up and up and finding more and more beautiful views like this one. And an old cistern from the XIII-XV century-ish. That was kinda neat, since I now know the general history of this place at that time. 
I just felt really full. 

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. 

I've been writing notes for my host family and it's really hard to say what you want to say- and that in Spanish. I am so blessed to have received so many notes and cards and full out letters over this semester. 

From my dad saying that part of him selfishly wished I'd stayed home (that put tears in my eyes- what a softy) to my friend Danielle decorating her sweet notes with colors and such, I have quite the stack to look back on sentimentally. 

If you didn't know, I'm really sentimental. I can look through old pictures for hours. That may have happened once or twice this semester...

And sometimes it's just cool because you get to look back and see where you've come from, how you've changed and grown.

'...you can't ask anybody not to change//it's everyone's right in this life to shift and rearrange//so I nodded my head and I completely agreed but I still wanted you to stay the same//so now I'm down on my knees singing//don't go changing on me'

(lyrics from a Hollan original)

Sometimes I wonder what will have changed about home. Some things I already know have changed- my nephew can say whole sentences like he did on FaceTime the other day when he said 'I wuv you'. I can live with that change!

By the Lord's strength I will live with, and even come to love, all the change that has occurred in me and others. Prayers for that transition are appreciated!

Finals

How do I pretend like next time I come everything will be exactly the same. It won't, this is final even if it's not. 
- My best friend, Anna

This quote seems aplicable to just about every change of life but, since she wrote it about time abroad, I found it particularly appropriate.

And it's not that I'm planning on having a next time in Granada per say. 

It's just interesting to think that any time in life is final even if 'it's not'. The Lord calls us to look on to the new things he is doing, to not dwell on the former things. (Isaiah 43)

So my time is coming to an end here. Next Friday (what!?) my parents and brother land in Spain and only a short time later I will be bound for America. 

But I must say these last weeks have been great. 

One of my professors told me he has a dragon tattoo on his back with wings down his arms and (in the cutest little Spanish accent) drawgeen bebies. I haven't laughed that much since my host mom tried to imitate English. 

After a final on Wednesday, it being the last time we'd see each other, another professor said 'cuidate mucho'. That means take care of yourself but it also has the feeling of 'be careful out there'. 

I just felt like it was a really sweet thing to say.

Speaking of finals, this has been quite the week. Never have I had to prepare for five exams at once. But it's also pretty fun, because there are awesome places to study here. A friend and I hiked up to an outlook of the city that is on a peninsula like part of the hill, so you could see all around-mountains, city, la Alhambra. And we got to watch the sun set up there too.

Also I had another type of 'final'. I had a concert with the community choir. Some of my friends in the choir (older people) were telling me I should stay in Spain, and that I could rotate between their houses every six months. And that if I don't like ham they'll give me lettuce. I don't know if that's a phrase or if they somehow knew I don't love the ham here. 

I didn't really realize that concert was goodbye. Afterward they were all coming up to me and asking if I loved the choir and telling me not to leave and giving me the double cheek kiss and... man, I'm going to miss that little community. They want to come to Pennseelvaneea to do an 'intercambio' and sing with my choir. 

It's pretty hard to be excited to see my real parents when my host parents are sad to see me go and point out that I'm ready to leave. Well, I am. 

I think one more week here, enjoying the city on my own, is just enough time. 

Also, one last thing. My host dad and my host uncle were explaining *to my* why *I* don't like fish. It's because you're not accustomed to it...it's because in your country there are more bison and buffalo and you don't really eat fish.

Hmm, yeah. So I guess when I get back I'll have to eat some bison. I guess I did have one bison burger once.. Okay back to studying. 

Also this has been my pump up studying song for anyone who needs it.
Light After Darkness, Kings Kaleidoscope

Look back!

Someday you will look back and know exactly why it happened. 
Tobymac #speaklife

Yeah, Tobymac- talk about a throwback. 

I had another, really sweet throwback this last week. We were busing back to Granada from the beautiful beaches of Cabo de Gata and the song 'This I know' by David Crowder came on my shuffle. I think I cried.

The first bus ride to Granada from the city we all landed in was BEAUTIFUL. I was overwhelmed by the countryside of Spain and I was listening to music. 'This I know' came one:

Take me up to where I was when I never wanted more than You.
Lift me up to feel Your touch. It wouldn't be that much for You, this I know. 

Not only was I surrounded by hills which completed the image of 'take me up' and 'lift me up' and already had me thinking on the Lord's creativity, but I was living in a place of 'I have nothing but You'. The previous day I landed in Andalusia, met my fellow study abroad-ers, didn't really connect with anyone, and- to complete the feeling of complete loneliness- my international phone plan wasn't working so I couldn't really update my parents. 

But that line: take me up to where I was when I never wanted more than You. Isn't that really what I wanted out of this? I got it that second day. The words of this song brought me such astounding peace as we passed on to my soon to be host city. I had all sorts of hopes and expectations welling up inside.

So when it came on shuffle last week, in a very similar situation (physically), I was  slightly overwhelmed to back over the times I really only had Him, and was satisfied. 

It's just really good to look back and see the times you've had to rest in God's faithfulness.

Recently I took a different kind of 'look back'- I saw how far I've come with Spanish. I was sitting around the lunch table the other day and I was like woah, I know what they're saying to each other. I didn't really expect that to happen-I thought I'd only really get it all if someone was speaking to me (slower, clear pronunciation). 

But the Lord reminded me that language is tiny, and love is not tiny. Even if I could speak in all the tongues of angels and men-if I don't have love I am nothing (1 Cor. 13). I have been loved here and had to love people I never would've spent time with otherwise.

Just to give you a little example of I started language wise: my host mom thinks I don't like milk at all. Early on I told her (tried to tell her) I don't drink milk, but she got out of whatever I said that I don't like milk and therefore always gives me cereal with yogurt. Which is great- I love yogurt. But sometimes I just want a bowl of cereal with milk. You know, at the time it just didn't seem  worth the energy required to explain that I do like milk I just don't like to drink it. And now I just don't feel like confusing her by putting milk on my cereal..

One of the first things I'll be doing when I get home is eating cereal with milk.

The other day, two of her brothers came to visit and they all invited me to go for the post-siesta coffee/snack with them. I thought, why not. That was pretty special, sitting around with a group of older people. I've missed that. 

Also, her one brother looked and behaved so similarly to my pa-paw it was kind of weird- but nice. Refreshing in a way, since I miss him. 

Sometimes it's just really nice to look back.

Change

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Sometimes I love a good King James version Bible verse or a good old hymn. My favorite hymn, Blessed Assurance, was lingering in my mind the other day. I'm eager to sing, be it hymns or contemporary worship songs, with brothers and sisters when I get home. The last three Sundays have involved day trips or even longer trips (like Morocco, Alhamd lilac), and have left me with a almost a whole month with no community fellowship. 

I've gotten to hang out with Christian friends, but I must say I really miss corporate singing. So last night in our choir rehearsal I started writing out the translation to the Latin Mass and sang it as worship. From the 'Credo' text of confirming what I believe to the Agnus Dei, repeating 'He who takes away the sins of the world, give us peace'. I felt new.

While walking the now familiar streets home I was thinking about the truth, 'the Lord gives, the Lord takes away'. And in my mind I switched the order, 'the Lord takes away, the Lord gives'. I believe He gives things and then takes them away, but I rest even more in thinking on the times he has taken away and then given- given me something better.

For example, my host family. I'm not saying they're better than my actual family (don't worry Mom). But it has been better, in His own way, to come into a new family for a time.

I thought I wasn't all about being independent because I never felt the need to get away from my parents or start my own life. I've realized here that actually I never feel the need to independecise (I know that's not a verb, but it is in Spanish...) because my parents have left me pretty free to do my own thing.

My host mom, a little less so. I couldn't tell you how many times I've heard 'Eat, eat'. And I say something like No, I'm okay. So she insists. So I explain that I am really full...Llenísima. So she asks if I want some more of whatever we have been eating, and I say no. So she tries to serve me some more and once in a while I actually stand up for my overfull belly and say No, really, no. So brings me some fruit.

In the end, it's a little thing. I'm thankful for her care and concern. It made me feel really secure when, at the beginning, I was quite terrified to so far from all that is familiar. But it may be nice to go back to my own family where I'm actually 20 years old, haha.

Age is another huge difference between Spain and America. Here, it's quite common for kids to live with their parents into their mid thirties or even longer. My host sister is 30, with her own career and her own part in her father's business, and there is no pressure for her to move out or get married. When I told my host mom that Jeremy moved out at 22 cause he felt like that was enough time to be living at home, she looked as though I said in America we eat our dogs (sorry that was just the first shocking thing that came to mind...). She said she hopes/expects Joaquin to live at home for five to ten more years.

Wow.
She and my host dad are really adorable, too. We were talking about my nephew and how I'm thinking about getting him a little soccer jersey from one of the soccer teams and I asked if Messi is the best. (context for those who don't know- Messi plays for Barcelona and Rinaldo for Madrid) My mom said yes, chuckled, looked at my dad, and confirmed her answer. 

Then she probed. 'He's the best, right?'. My host dad looked at me, her, chuckled...'Yeah...after Rinaldo'. They laugh and look at each other, and my heart melts a little.

On Monday my host mom and I walked to a neighboring town where they have one of their stores, something they've never done before. They gave me a wind chime to put on my porch 'so that you'll remember us'. As if there was any way that was't going to happen.
Okay, I know, I have a bad memory... but still.

So three weeks from tomorrow my own parents (and Jeremy!) land in this temporary home of mine. In fact, I just bought my bus ticket to go meet them at the airport. The thought brings me to tears, but so does the thought of saying goodbye to this second family the Lord has blessed me with. I think they embody this quote really well, or maybe what it is really saying is the better way: If you want to live a comfortable life, make sure you never love nobody, be selfish, and never sacrifice.

Also this hardly relates (well maybe to my last post) but since it's been on my mind today I thought I'd share it for anyone who is struggling with forgiveness. Don't we all?

Losing, Tenth Avenue North

the best teacher

When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. And he began to teach them many things.
Mark 6

I didn't want to post this link on Facebook but I found it helpful as someone living in the midst of many who often claim that 'sex is a social construct'. So I figured I'd share it here.

Transgenderism: A Pathogenic Meme
'In two states, a doctor who would look into the psychological history of a transgendered boy or girl in search of a resolvable conflict could lose his or her license to practice medicine. By contrast, such a physician would not be penalized if he or she started such a patient on hormones that would block puberty and might stunt growth'

I've been really struggling lately with the feeling that if I speak, those around me will start spouting assumptions not only about me but about my Lord. 

Well, I already hear them. Living in a place that was reconquered by Catholics after an Islamic rule means hearing about the intolerance of Christianity. Admitting that I am a Christian can lead to taking on a lot of assumptions. 

I had a whole post written out about this topic but I realized it was not coming from the right heart.

So, reading back through my journal I was caught by this: Love is patient. Love is kind.

That was written as I was been struggling with patience and kindness toward someone. It always gets me, even though it may be one of the passages I've heard most frequently over the course of my life thus far.

I was thinking the other day about how having a good teacher, more than anything, makes me want to work hard in whatever class. And then I was taken back suddenly, thinking about God as a teacher. He had compassion on the crowd and taught them. He takes compassion on me and teaches me.

So when I just want to burst from the intolerance I feel is directed toward me in the name of being tolerant of everything-really I almost went on a tangent there to rewrite the post I already decided not to write- I hear him saying 'patient....kind'.

His love is patient and kind. 

I love resting in the promise that 'the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord as the waters cover the sea'. Habakkuk

That's a whole lot of knowledge of His glory. 

Someday the earth will be full of knowledge of his glory...their assumptions will be broken and they'll bow to the King who is perfectly loving and patient. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Somewhere out there over that shiny horizon is the U.S. As I enter my last month I'm also praying for general perseverance, as the end is in sight. I had a wonderful break from the city with my friend Molly, exploring Fisterra and Santiago de Compostela in northern Spain. I even ran into a Penn Stater. It was a wonderful time of being reminded of the greatness of the Lord-from the vastness of the sea to the beauty of all the little flowers to all the people who helped us on our way.

We were blessed with many run-ins with people who pointed us to cool things to see, helped us find the bus, and wondered why we were in Santiago if we weren't doing the Camino de Santiago.

We got to see Guernica, beautifully clear tide pools, many pilgrims, the sunrise, the sunset...

All in all, it was a blessed time away and I am eager to take on this last month.