Astonished at the world and yet at home in it

I have often had a fancy for writing a romance about an English yachtsman who slightly miscalculated his course and discovered England under the impression that it was a new island in the South seas...his mistake was really a most enviable mistake...what could be more delightful than to have in the same few minutes all the fascinating terrors of going abroad combined with all the humane security of comong home again?...This at least seems to me the main problem for philosphers...How can we strive to be at once astonished at the world and yet at home in it?
Orthodoxy

Last week I felt quite at home. The most at home I've felt in two months. I did not expect a walk to bring such unimaginable peace but I happened to find a park with lots and lots of grass and big trees and flowers and a little river. I felt like I had been picked up and set down at the Hummel nature trail right in my home town, and it brought me near to tears. 

Maybe a little dramatic, but totally honest.

I felt more or less what Spurgeon is getting at in this excerpt- at home and yet astonished. When I read this part of Orthodoxy I was getting ready to set sail for Europe and I loved the idea of accidentally landing in Pennsylvania again, even though I knew that was totally unrealistic.

And finding this park was slightly like he describes 'in the same few minutes all the fascinating terrors of going abroad combined with all the humane security of coming home again'. 

Okay, well, the park had no terrors. Finding it wasn't fear inducing at all in the way traveling is but that was a part of getting to the park...before walking from my room to the park I had taken a taxi, bus, train, plane, bus, car ride(shout out to my friend Hanna's family for picking me up and housing me a night!), train, and bus to get to the room. And it all brought me to this little patch of home.

Anna and I also got to travel to the town her grandma is from: Lohr. It was so special to be in a small town and just walk around together and meet some of her family and eat good  German food.

This trip could not have come at a better time. 

Being away made coming back to Granada feel like home and Spanish like something I can handle. 

In light of the Brussels attack I was a little fearful to travel back to Granada, and yet I felt wholly protected since I could've been in that area and wasn't. I've been considering the evil so many are facing and many recent dreams I've been having about war, and the reality of the spiritual war around us, and all the physical evil that it manifests. Lots of thoughts.

I'm reminded of the quote He loves us to well to let us suffer a single needless pang from All of Grace. I wrote a bit on this concept in my last post where I explained the title of this blog and the pangs that I felt before were needless but now see as grace. I'm praying for an attitude of hope and trust that none of this is needless, or that is to say, I'm praying that there are good things to come from all of this.

I firmly believe the Lord can use whatever, even evil, to bring glory to himself. Even just his comfort to us, reminding us that he is sufficient. 

Blessed be the Lord who daily bears us up. Psalm 69:19

It was a little sad to be traveling on Easter Sunday, away from my family and even my second family. It didn't feel much like a holiday. But it did give me lots of time to think about the cross. I was brought back to this quote, which maybe relates to the Brussels attack:

God can use any injustice for good: Jesus is in glory with scars.

Every time I feel like I've suffered some sort of injustice, this idea comes back to me. Today I got a response back on an online homework I submitted. Translated, it says 'this has nothing to do, even remotely, with what we've talked about in class'. Okay, what? I've been in class, I know what we've talked about, and I know this related. How can you even talk to me like that?

And there it is again: any injustice for good. This is a small injustice-miniscule. So freaking small. Next week I won't even remember it. (the blessings of a bad memory) 

I have the opportunity to 'think on things above' (Colossians 3). On the bus ride home yesterday these lyrics stood out to me as I was just trying not to think about the 4 hours I had left before arriving in Granada: We all surrender like slaves, but sin is death, he is life. We all surrender like slaves but one kills, one saves. 

Thank you Lord for a whole day of traveling with just you on Easter, and for bringing me 'home' safely.

Hand to the plow//no turning back

And Jesus said to him, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God."

Well friends, halfway. Okay, okay not exactly halfway. Halfway through my time away if I don't count the time my parents AND BROTHER will be here. A couple weeks back I found out Jeremy is hopping the Atlantic with my parents and I'm so, so excited! But that excitement leaves me thinking about the present a bit less and thinking about home a bit more. 

So now my prayer has become: I'm at the plow, keep me from turning back.

Turning back doesn't really mean getting on a plane for me. (Although I will be doing that tomorrow, but instead to Germany and not the US) More than anything it means adopting an "I wish" or "what if" or "man, I'm missing out on so much" attitude. Turning back would be forgetting that he has made everything beautiful in its time and that right now, my time is Spain. 

I started meeting with a woman who is wiser and has just experiences moralize than me (best advice I have to give: get together with someone older and wiser than you) and she encouraged me to ask good questions of myself and the Lord, for example:

"What is actually the hard thing is this?" 

"Do I really believe You give good things?"

"What is the good thing You are giving me in _____ situation?"

So these days my question often becomes "what have I not given up for the sake of knowing You?" And, "what is the good thing you are giving me now?" A friend of mine made me the cutest little freehand drawing of the Alhambra with the verse Indeed, I count everything as los because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. 

Usually the answer to that last question is himself. He's giving me more of himself as sometimes I feel that all I have is him.

One of the things I have counted as loss is my family (though I really still have them, just a little ways away). I can't tell you how much I miss a good hug from my dad or this sweet little nephew of mine.

And yet I've also gained quite the family. My host mom told Hanna, "We are her family now. She's hundreds of kilometers from home so now when something happens she has to tell us and we defend her."

He's given me a host family that doesn't mind laughing at (with) me either. So I was telling them how we used to have cows and my host mom asked, "oh, for milk?" And I said no, they didn't bring milk. 

"If they're cows, how did they not have milk?", she asked...to which I tried to respond "they were male". 

Instead I said "they were men". She still cracks up occasionally and says she just remembered how I said my cows were men.

It is good to laugh, even about my own ignorance. I find it keeps me humble. That part about love not being prideful...sometimes it feels like the Lord is leading me from lesson to lesson through that passage in 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient. Kind. Stop envying. Only boast in Christ, etc. 

Anyway, back to the point at hand. Time is passing by quickly and sometimes so slowly. Really it blows my mind. 

But as the Spaniards would say, ¡No pasa nada! 

I don't really know how to translate that because literally it means nothing happens. The feeling you get from it though is something like 'don't worry' or 'it's okay'. After thinking about the phrase I realized I hear it quite a few times daily.

In fact, my host brother asked me why I was doing homework and said 'what's going to happen if you don't do it? (question form of no pasa nada) You're a foreigner and their just going to give you a 9 or 10 and be done with it.' Haha, I don't think he gets that the majority of my classes are with just foreigners and there is actually quite a bit of graded work. But it goes to show the attitude here.

Not that they are lazy, by any means. Just that if you don't get something done or are worried about something, you're sure to hear 'no pasa nada' and be able to take a deep breath. I've found that's really good for me. 

In respect to time passing quickly, it's kind of like 'no actually, a lot pasa really quickly' or some sort of Spanglish like that. Yet it is good to just think of that phrase, no pasa nada. It's started to mean 'hey, in the long run this won't matter' and I like that quite a lot. 

So tonight, while I could be doing work ahead of time so I wouldn't have as much to do upon return from spring break, I will actually be going to get gelato at apparently the best place in Granada. I'm sure it won't be quite like the Creamery, but no pasa nada. I'll be back there soon enough!

SighsGiveWaytoSongs

Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about Your faithfulness.
Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest.
Let my losses show me all I have is You-
Because all I truly have is you.

I figure it's about time to explain the title of my blog, SighsGiveWaytoSongs. (So this is going to be more about just me and less about Spain. Also, my life is an open book. Hope you're not weirded out by how open I am.)

A little over a year ago, as many of you know, my boyfriend and I broke up. I was having a particularly hard time one day, and I went to the Psalms and put on a Youtube playlist to distract my thoughts and calm my heart.

This song, Satisfied in You, was part of that playlist. I must say I wasn't paying much attention at all until the bridge came along (the lyrics I wrote up top). I stopped and cried, for a while. 

I was so taken a back by my failure to rest in God's faithfulness. 

Soon after this, my dad came to visit me at school (I love when he does that). We went to church together and I specifically remember something the pastor said during that service: rehearse God's faithfulness. 

So I started to think back over the times God had been faithful- to me and in general. (Habakkuk 3 is great for that) I got hung up on the break up, though. Until this point, I didn't really see how the Lord had anything to do with what I was going through.

Then in that same service I felt the Lord say to me 'I gave more'...immediate tears.

I was so bitter about what happened, about peoples' reactions to our decision, about being single and away from home. 

So then I thought, how did Jesus experience this and give more? How can he even relate to what I'm feeling? I have no knowledge of any breakups he went through...

But then I began to consider what I was feeling underneath just "upset".

Betrayal by those who just didn't get 'why'? Loneliness?

He was betrayed. He died alone. For me. 
And he was perfectly innocent, like a baby. 

I cannot even explain what kind of peace that brought me in those months. To think that I got even just a little taste of what Christ went through. Knowing more of his sacrifice made the pain of it all worth something.

The song is based on Psalm 42- the one where David questions his own feelings, "why are you downcast? Why so disturbed?", and then commands them to yet praise God.

So this song has become something of a "goal" for a theme song for my life. Annie can testify to this because in Honduras I was humming or singing it to myself pretty often, as a reminder to not complain but rather search for the Lord's hand. A reminder to see all my "lows" as an opportunity to rest in who Christ is. 

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the first verse of Psalm 23. It's been encouraging me the same way as the song Satisfied in You.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. // El señor es mi pastor; nada me faltará.

I think it's been good to think of that each time I'm tempted toward regret, homesickness, etc.  Every loss shows me more and more how all I truly have is Him.

When we broke up, we talked about Habakkuk 2:14. 

The earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord 

as the waters cover the seas. 

We agreed that ultimately that is our hope and joy- the Lord's glory. Not just being together. So, every time I am by the sea, I cannot help but bask in that truth and hope. Like yesterday, when I went to a beach on the Mediterranean with my good friend Molly.

The earth will be filled with knowledge of His glory. As the waters cover the sea. That's a lot of knowledge of His glory.  

So every day there is an opportunity to consider whether I'll sigh and focus on my pain and losses; there is an opportunity to instead give Him glory by resting in what He has done for me in the gospel.

And really I am so blessed. I hope that even when I'm not feeling so blessed, my sighs will give way to songs that sing of His faithfulness. 
That is all.

Failing in the right direction

We keep failing in the right direction until the Lord calls us home.
-DiscipleMakers Core Values

Yeah I just quoted an organizations core values. Ha! I feel like such a business student. 

Even though I'm taking 0 business courses this semester.

Well, anyway. I was reading through those core values when I decided to accept an internship with them this summer, and this line struck me hard. 

I think at first my thoughts were something like: failing? Failing in the right direction? hmm mph...come on I'm not failing in anything.

Then I was humbled, again. I feel like that's a common theme for the last couple years for me: humility. I was forced to think about how I fail every day in giving the Lord the glory He deserves.

So today I was reminded of this quote when I had this great revelation. I had been stressing over a class I am currently taking at the University of Granada. Just to let you in on what that feels like: imagine a professor with a think Andalusian accent (doesn't pronounce "s" or "d" all that often), about 70 students (all who are either native Spanish speakers or are just farther along in this fluency journey), a class that lasts for 2 hours, and assignments such as a presentation (remember those 70 native or fluent speakers? That'll be my audience).

Sorry if my parenthesis are annoying you, I just have so many of those extra thoughts (you know, qualifiers).

And here I was, walking up the hill to campus pondering my decision to take this class. I had previously been listening to this song by All Sons and Daughters called Brokenness Aside and these words Will your grace run out when I let you down? came out of the melody as though she was talking straight to me. 

Then these thoughts started churning: Even if I fail this class and it counts for nothing, I should be thankful for all that I will have learned. This experience is worth more than any "payment" in credits. Taking another linguistics course in the States to fulfill this requirement wouldn't be the end of the world...I could take another linguistics course. Cool. Okay, still don't want to fail.  But this is cool. Still want to do well though. But His love is unconditional. Even unconditional regarding my success. Completely unconditional.

^pretty much word for word (thought for thought?)

Now you may be able to see why I was reminded of this quote. Even if I fail, I'll be content if I'm failing in the right direction. And that being whatever way the Lord is glorified in this situation.

And the next song that came on shuffle? Lose my Soul, by Toby Mac. Throwback, I know. These lyrics, though:

May Your kingdom be what wakes us up and lays us down. 

Not my grades, not my dreams, not my fears...I want His kingdom to wake me up. 

It may feel unjust if I get nothing tangible in return for my work but it seems God can use any injustice for good. Jesus is in glory with scars.



Also, just a taste of this city's beauty and the joy it gives me before I go: