Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest.
Let my losses show me all I have is You-
Because all I truly have is you.
I figure it's about time to explain the title of my blog, SighsGiveWaytoSongs. (So this is going to be more about just me and less about Spain. Also, my life is an open book. Hope you're not weirded out by how open I am.)
A little over a year ago, as many of you know, my boyfriend and I broke up. I was having a particularly hard time one day, and I went to the Psalms and put on a Youtube playlist to distract my thoughts and calm my heart.
This song, Satisfied in You, was part of that playlist. I must say I wasn't paying much attention at all until the bridge came along (the lyrics I wrote up top). I stopped and cried, for a while.
I was so taken a back by my failure to rest in God's faithfulness.
Soon after this, my dad came to visit me at school (I love when he does that). We went to church together and I specifically remember something the pastor said during that service: rehearse God's faithfulness.
So I started to think back over the times God had been faithful- to me and in general. (Habakkuk 3 is great for that) I got hung up on the break up, though. Until this point, I didn't really see how the Lord had anything to do with what I was going through.
Then in that same service I felt the Lord say to me 'I gave more'...immediate tears.
I was so bitter about what happened, about peoples' reactions to our decision, about being single and away from home.
So then I thought, how did Jesus experience this and give more? How can he even relate to what I'm feeling? I have no knowledge of any breakups he went through...
But then I began to consider what I was feeling underneath just "upset".
Betrayal by those who just didn't get 'why'? Loneliness?
He was betrayed. He died alone. For me.
And he was perfectly innocent, like a baby.
I cannot even explain what kind of peace that brought me in those months. To think that I got even just a little taste of what Christ went through. Knowing more of his sacrifice made the pain of it all worth something.
The song is based on Psalm 42- the one where David questions his own feelings, "why are you downcast? Why so disturbed?", and then commands them to yet praise God.
So this song has become something of a "goal" for a theme song for my life. Annie can testify to this because in Honduras I was humming or singing it to myself pretty often, as a reminder to not complain but rather search for the Lord's hand. A reminder to see all my "lows" as an opportunity to rest in who Christ is.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about the first verse of Psalm 23. It's been encouraging me the same way as the song Satisfied in You.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. // El señor es mi pastor; nada me faltará.
I think it's been good to think of that each time I'm tempted toward regret, homesickness, etc. Every loss shows me more and more how all I truly have is Him.
When we broke up, we talked about Habakkuk 2:14.
The earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord
as the waters cover the seas.
We agreed that ultimately that is our hope and joy- the Lord's glory. Not just being together. So, every time I am by the sea, I cannot help but bask in that truth and hope. Like yesterday, when I went to a beach on the Mediterranean with my good friend Molly.
The earth will be filled with knowledge of His glory. As the waters cover the sea. That's a lot of knowledge of His glory.
So every day there is an opportunity to consider whether I'll sigh and focus on my pain and losses; there is an opportunity to instead give Him glory by resting in what He has done for me in the gospel.
And really I am so blessed. I hope that even when I'm not feeling so blessed, my sighs will give way to songs that sing of His faithfulness.
That is all.
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